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Breaking News: True Nature of God and the Centre of the Universe Revealed to Unitarian Universalists

The multi faith world was shocked last Thursday when the true nature of the Centre of the Universe was revealed to—of all Faiths—the Unitarian Universalists. Catholicism expressed dismay at the turn of events, stating “but we have been around longer, and they stole half their stuff from us”. Further comments followed this, but Catholicism’s words could not be heard over the loud spell of coughing that overtook Paganism at the “stole half their stuff” complaint.

Due to network content laws, the exact nature of neither God nor the centre of the universe can be reported on specifically. But it is confirmed that—to the great shock of the Unitarian Universalists—it is… not them.

“We really thought our congregation was the centre of the Universe,” said Elinor Stevenson, president of the Second Unitarian Universalist fellowship of Melfort, “but it turns out we are a lot less important than I thought. I am not sure what we’re going to do with all the time we used to spend in committee meetings, carefully crafting statements for everyone to read.”

Elinor did not specify to whom she was referring when she said “everyone”.

She said that her congregation was initially disappointed, but then realized how much more time they would have available for other things. Congregant Frank Adams said in an interview that “Now that I understand that the world no longer needs me to weigh in on every little thing, I have been spending more time outside and with loved ones. My Facebooking thumb has stopped hurting, and I have been planting tulips all around the neighbourhood just to put smiles on peoples’ faces”.

“I’ve been taking meals to a friend of mine who is sick” Elinor adds.

The revelation has prompted congregations across the country to dramatically alter programming, featuring less debates, statements, and unread press releases about their opinions, and more time talking, listening, and singing together. The Opinions About Resolutions Regarding Things We Have Little Understanding of or Influence Over Committee is dwindling in attendance, and the members of the Talking About Whether or Not God Exists group stopped drafting their statement paper entirely. They were last seen holding a short call-our-representatives party, before leaving for a group weekend camping trip.

Due to and increase in congregants' spare time, the membership in the Committee For Changing The Burnt Lightbulb In the Foyer has tripled. Sources on the committee say that the group has sped through their covenant writing process and are now researching incandescence options. They are optimistic that the lightbulb could be changed by as early as December of this year.

A spokesperson for God said that the deity had no comment on the news, due not existing. Multiple sources close to the deity, however, have confirmed that the real reason for the silence is fear of any comments being hopelessly distorted and taken out of context by Fox News.

The news came as a great shock to Unitarian roots of the faith, who stated “But we practically wrote the declaration of independence! And we ALL went to HARVARD.”

The Universalists, according to sources, already knew, but hadn’t said anything because “The Unitarians seemed happy, and we didn’t want to upset them. Also, we were busy with other things”.

Liz JamesComment